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'Prologue'


 
 

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Click For MoreDocument 4 out of 4 by Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian.

SciFi and Fantasy Stories: Prologue

Thist text was the true beginning of everything. It's the prologue of the novel I'm trying to finish. The prologue is mainly set 500 years before the story itself and describes the appearence of all dark and evil things on a planet called 'Kimid' and the people there trying to survive.

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This is just an old legend about a world far, far away from our known universe...


On a planet, which bore the name Kimid, once lived people which were known as the Vakoja. If there was any translation of the word it would have been “The Protected”.
They lived their lives for unknown centuries without any knowledge of bad or evil. No, they did not even know those words...it just wasn't in their nature.


At least it wasn't until that faithful day when the Vakoja were pushed into absolute chaos by the Great Shadow, which came from the black depths of their universe.
He touched this world with his greedy hands and this was the time when suddenly and without any warning one new emotion arose in the hearts of the Vakoja, one that no one had ever felt before...hate. And neither could they understand what that new emotion meant nor were they able to control it...no...soon it became obvious that hate controlled them.
Out of hate soon other evil feelings were born...greed, envy, avarice, blood thirst and others, we all know so well today.
The Vakoja had lived in peace for all time and that made them so susceptible for the powers of the Great Shadow who had brought disaster on Kimid. Vakoja soon began to fight each other and only after a few months an awful world war had began.
It was as if the Great Shadow was playing a game of chess and the Vakoja were his chessmen. Centuries full of hate, sorrow and pain went over the world until everything that once had been beautiful and harmonic, lay in ruins.

After one hundred years of war one quarter of the total civilisation of the planet was dead and Kimid was drenched with the blood of all those innocent victims.
However, all the blood that had been spilled was just a flood of unseen tears, running into the rivers unnoticed which carried them into the great oceans...once mysterious and amazing, now reservoirs of death and sorrow.
All those who had not been subjugated by evil, suffered thousands of deaths in that awful world and every second of their miserable lives was like years of torture in hell.
The people prayed to their Gods and begged for their help and mercy, but nothing seemed to come and most of the Vakoja began to think either there were no Gods and all that was, was the Great Shadow or the Gods were just too weak to fight an enemy like that.
Time went on and slowly new dark magic seemed to spread over the world...the worst and most evil under those Vakoja who had fallen for the Great Shadow began to transform into terrible and fearsome creatures, with no heart, just the perfect incarnation of their evil characters...Beasts this world had never seen.
Weather there are Gods or not no one knows, but in those disturbed and evil times, in a warm winter night when both Moons, Shekan and Jenter, shone full...the so called Nefriyuase, Heaven's eyes...a boy was born under strange circumstances...it had been a stormy night with no snow, but warm wind in the middle of winter and the boy was born with open eyes and he did not cry when he took his first breath, no...he took a long breath and storm died away.
At the same time seven mysterious warriors appeared out of nowhere, scattered all over the world. The legend says that their powers were beyond anything that the Vakoja had ever seen and they seemed to fight the evil beings. Surely it was no coincidence that together with the warriors also new enemies set foot on Kimid: Undead creatures and strange brutes...
...and a race that had been unknown in that part of the universe until that moment... Daemonimis Saiin...they seemed to be demons, but must have been some special tribe or clan. They weren't just brainless soldiers fighting and killing for fun and for their Dark Master...no...they were very intelligent and quite powerful...they were a people of their own, a strange race, but still obeying the Great Shadow and the Vakoja were no match for them.

Finally, with the help of his loyal demons, the Great Shadow made his most important step...he broke the Sogorf, the fourteen heavenly seals, which where hidden in the oceans and under the mountains of Kimid. And so he released the Esgar, a materia created by the universe itself and which is practically everywhere and within everything.
It was sealed away into the depths of that world by the old Gods, so the Vakoja could never use it...or abuse it. Esgar is some kind of energy, something like a spiritual aether...an energetic source for...you would call it “Magic”.


Now victory seemed almost reachable for the Great Shadow, with no more boundaries for his powers there.

In the meantime, while time had went on, the mysterious boy had grown up and become a skilled warrior who seemed to be a natural in the magic that now could be “used”. He fought his way trough that awful war and had already survived many battles. He was like a one man army...thousands of dark creatures fell under his strikes and so it came that one day...one faithful day his last opponent was the Great Shadow himself.
A battle began that seemed to go on forever...there were using powers that changed whole landscapes. The two enemies fought like mad till the final end came...and the young Vakoja bet the Great Shadow into the ground, but failed to kill him. Heavily wounded and weakened the Great Evil had to flee to where he had come from, but with an oath for vengeance on his lips.

As the Great Shadow disappeared the Vakoja regained the ability to control their emotions but a burden had been left for them to carry forever. Now the Vakoja had to deal with all kinds of emotions and thoughts...good and evil!
Another thing was left behind too...all the beasts and creatures the Great Shadow had brought on Kimid stayed and so the Vakoja had to live with the constant threat of those enemies.
The young hero having just saved the entire world still had much to do...there were still enemies left and people to be defended and after years full of love and devotion to his people, who he protected as if they all were his own family, he became a great leader watching justly over whole Perhia, one of the four central continents.
Those seven mysterious warriors had vanished together with the Great Shadow...no one knows who they had been and where they had gone.


But in the deep darkness beyond the galaxy the Shadow was waiting ... resting and boiling with anger. There was a disturbing fact...the Shadow had just been a “child” when he had attacked the people of Kimid for the first time...but he was regaining health and growing fast and with him his powers.

And so it came that after several years of silence the Great Shadow returned...worse than ever before. His strength and the forces that came with him were so great and terrible that already in the first hours of his reappearance thousands of Vakoja had to die.
They were so many that the earth under their silent bodies turned red again after a long time of peace. But it seemed that this time the Great Shadow hadn't been given much time to bring death and destruction over Kimid...his worst and most feared opponent had been ready for that day, all those years.
The hero from the Battle of Gods, as the people called the last encounter of those two, had known that his enemy would return one day and so it only took a while and the hero rode into a new war for his people. On his way to find the Great Shadow, who was sending his loyal beasts and creature in great numbers to stop any resistance before it began, seven mysterious riders, warriors of highest skill, joined him in his war for freedom, though until now no one knows who they were and where they had come from.
Huge masses of evil foes wasted away among their weapons and the monstrosities of hell fell like dying flies until that faithful hour when those arch enemies faced each other again, on the stony ground of the Isle of SaAhna.

A battle erupted that went on for days and the forces of the Great Shadow were reduced to ashes until the eight warriors found a weak spot on their dark enemy. Though he still fought on and on he already was gravely weakened and one of the warriors was able to impose a spell and the Great Evil's soul. The spell would make it impossible for him to set foot on Kimid ever again, as long as there is just one honest heart defending that world.
In his rage about that grave setback the Great Shadow sacrificed all the lives of his soldiers and used his last bit of power and their souls for an unbelievable spell to destroy this world in one last strike.
But the great eight warriors made a selfless decision and gave their own lives to summon an almighty seal that banned the Great Shadow into another realm...another dimension where he shall rot forever.
In the last seconds of their fight, each and every inhabitant of Kimid, Vakoja or not, had the same vision...a vision of the end of the fight, the moment of the sealing of the Great Shadow and the eight warriors just vanishing into thin air.

It was over!

The island of SaAhna was completely destroyed by the seal and today the only thing reminding of Second Battle of Gods is monstrous whirlpool in the middle of the ocean.


The family of the great hero built a famous monument for him, which is now long lost in the depths of this world, as it his blood line. The legends about the chosen boy and the legendary warriors of Kimid were told and known for a long time, but after many centuries, this important piece of history slowly seemed to sink into oblivion.
Except for the members of an old temple, where the knowledge of history was most important, only a few Vakoja knew the old history and the legends of the Great Shadow.


In that special temple, which lay hidden in the mountains, lived people who were the guardians of an old prophecy. They used to teach the old history and its legends from generation to generation, until the temple was completely destroyed by a horde of monsters...in just one night.
Everybody within in the temple village was killed and both the legends and the old prophecy were lost forever.
No one knows if it was a coincidence or misfortune...or if there had been another reason...but now, years later the biggest part of the old legends is forgotten and history is a just misty matter.
It has been replaced by the history of a new, greater age and the Vakoja lived on calmly without any real knowledge of what had happened hundredths of years ago and why they still had to face beasts and other dark creatures.

But when will history repeat itself, as it always does?

 
 

   © Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian. All rights reserved!

DateNameComment 
11 Sep 2002:-) Colin Kent
Hey, I like your writing it’s different. I hope to see some more of your work soon. Col

:-) Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian replies: "Hey, I’ve updated! 1"
25 Jan 2008:-) Charlene 'The Amazing Bubble Girl' M. Mattson
This was a really interesting prologue. I liked the oratory feel of it.

:-) Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian replies: "Thanks...I’m glad that I was able to create that feeling!"
15 Feb 2008:-) Kelsey Lynn Reed
I like it ^_^ now I want to read the novel part too! -applause-

:-) Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian replies: "Thank you...I’m still updating the prologue...take a look at the "Queue" and you’ll find me! ^^"
15 Feb 2008:-) Lena H Green
Best of luck with your novel, I want to read more! Thanks for sharing. 2

:-) Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian replies: "You’re more than welcome...thanks, I’ll need the luck!

I’ve updated now and I hope you have some time to stop by and read through it! 1"
13 Jul 2008:-) Mandy E. Burnham
*Enters whistling*Stops*Turns*Waves*

Hey Omid! I came to have a read-through and I have to say that I really enjoyed the premise of this. The background and the story you laid down is an excellent beginning for a novel. I like it. A world without good and evil, that’s very intriguing. ^_^ Now, I don’t know if you were looking for constructive criticism, but when there’s something I like I can’t help but give it because… well… because I can’t. However, if you are not searching for such things respond with ‘uh… thanks…’ and I’ll get the message. So following this post will begin my ‘nit-picking’. All of it is in the spirit of help.

Commence with the rain for fire! …er… I mean rain of comments…
13 Jul 2008:-) Mandy E. Burnham
<-- continued previous comment

Italicizing: You might use it a little too much. I understand the desire to do so, but consider picking a few of your most important words and only italicizing them. That being said, if you italicizing something once, keep it consistent the entire time (for example there were a couple of times you didn’t italicize ‘Gods’.)

Sentence length and structure: I’ve noticed that many of your sentences are a little too long and contain multiple ideas that could easily and cleanly be represented as separate sentences. Any time you write "... no..." usually you can replace that with a full stop and the beginning of a new sentence. Look for the ellipses (...) as well as the word "and". Go weed out as many of those as you reasonably can.
13 Jul 2008:-) Mandy E. Burnham
<--continued previous comment

I saw a couple of places where you’re right on the edge of great imagery. For example the sentence “All the blood that had been spilled was just..." is so almost there. If you tighten it up (and add a little ‘snaz’12 you could end up with something like: "Rivers of spilled blood carried the flood of unseen tears to reservoirs of death and sorrow once named oceans…" See the difference? So along those lines, another thing to add to your list of small prey when you’re hunting through your works include phrases that contain “had”, “has”, “have” and especially the wiley “being” verbs (am, are, be, been, being). Many phrases such as “who had been” can be replaces with a single past tense verb and that sentence goes from weakish to golden.

I noticed that you used "seemed" a lot in your work. I feel that this weakens the writing. Unless you offer a tangible character who has sat down and is actively telling a story (either in dialogue or in first person point of view) the narrator knows what was and wasn’t. Therefore, there is no need for the seemed. The warriors did come to fight the evil. The daemonimis saiin were demons.
13 Jul 2008:-) Mandy E. Burnham
<--continued previous comment

Miscellaneous: It feels like if "eyes" from “Heaven’s eye” is included in the titled referred to as Nefriyuase, it should be capitalized as well. However if Heaven’s eye is simply the translation of Nefriyuase (great word by the way), you probably could do with not capitalizing heaven either.

You switched tenses in the "Esgar –is- some kind..." Keep it in the past.

"one faithful day..." I think you might mean ’fateful’.

The end feels a little rushed in that you span decades in a few inches of writing. While sometimes this can’t be avoided, it might be better to try and find a different way to represent it. Or maybe if you rushed it a little more (i.e. find a way to lump the initial battle and the return battle into one epic struggle) it might be a little less vexatious for the reader.
13 Jul 2008:-) Mandy E. Burnham
<--continued previous comment

Kay! Hope that was helpful and not annoying. Like I said, I see great potential here. I’d love to see you let that potential out to grow into the powerful beast it could be—something so grand and amazing that it just sits there staring at the reader with an attitude of ‘Yeah, I know I’m fantastic. What are you looking at?’

End rain of fi... comments... here


:-) Omid *Elementwarrior* Redjaian replies: "Oh wow...you’re lovely...thanks...I’ll read through all them as soon as my schedule allows me...Uni, Job, Training, Elfwood Modding, Elfwood Forum Modding, etc...has crushed my freetime to bits at the moment! ^^

Oh, and yes yes yes...I’d love to hear more of your critizism...if I ever find the time, I swear I’ll return the favour! ^^

"
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